i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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