I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
