If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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