my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
