I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
