Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
