I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
