i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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