You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
