I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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