I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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