I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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