I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I did not marry a roomba.
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