don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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