I accidentally had phone sex last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
