Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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