Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
