summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
