I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
