My liver just broke up with me...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Panties = found
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