Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
