I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
