I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
