Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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