There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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