I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
