I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
