She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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