So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
