Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
