Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bring me that man meat
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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