i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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