So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
