I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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