drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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