So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
