I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
