I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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