I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I need help removing her.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
