It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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