At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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