He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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