I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
