I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
