You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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