FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
