why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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