Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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