I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
