Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
