Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
