Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
