I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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