If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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